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The night before

Originally written on Feb 2nd, 2023

I cried in the shower tonight.

It is the night before my surgery and I had to take a shower with special medical soap. As I was undressing I realized that this would be the last day with the breasts I was born with. I called my husband in and asked if he wanted to say goodbye to them. He thinks I’m funny – most of the time. Although he could care less about the size, shape, or naturalness of my breasts, he came into the bathroom to say goodbye. He leaned over and kissed my chest and I started to cry.

I didn’t know I would care. I didn’t know that saying goodbye to the breasts that have been the bain of my existence for so long would hurt the way that it did. I was unprepared.

I have had larger-than-average breasts my whole life and after kids, they expanded tenfold and never returned to a normal size. I have been plagued with chronic back pain for over 20 years. I had been losing weight so that I could get them reduced. So why did it hurt so much?

It hurt because my choice in the matter had been taken from me. This was not surgery to reduce my breast size. This was an amputation. I would walk into the hospital with my breasts, and walk out without them. This was cancer.

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